Emergency sign of a hospital
Image: iStock/ymgerman

If ever there was a better advert for using only real, fit-for-purpose sex toys when you fancy engaging in some solo anal sex, then this is it.

The British Medical Journal has published an article in Case Reports detailing how a man took himself to A&E to have a device removed from his rear end after 'losing control' of it while he was drunk.

This in itself would be bad enough - but it turns out that the device in question was an incredible 77cm long - that's not far from a metre!

It might have seemed like a good idea while under the influence of alcohol, but shoving anything this long up one's rectum can only end in tears, and this story undoubtedly did (if only in our eyes while reading it).

The poor bloke ended up with a perforated bowel and needed part of his large intestine removed once the device was finally retrieved. Nine days later, he was released from hospital, presumably looking shame-faced and still walking like John Wayne.

Doctors involved in the case, which took part somewhere in Lincolnshire, said the sex act had been "highly dangerous" and added: "This case is the first of its kind and exclusive due to the enormous size."

We were left wondering where on earth the patient found something so long and smooth - and even taking into account the drunkenness, why his next thought was to shove it up his backside.

Jesting aside, we do want to to advise you at this point that if you are keen to engage in anal sex, whether it's with a partner or not, then you should only use sex toys like these. They have been specially designed for this purpose and cannot get lost inside you or sucked upwards by the strong muscles down there (yes, that is a thing).

As a previously issued warning from the Terrence Higgins Trust's Dr Michael Brady states: "Sex toys and other objects can be a safe and enjoyable part of a healthy sex life but it’s important to use common sense when choosing an object. Anything that is inserted into the body should be smooth, non-fragile and easily retrievable."